Three COBOL Hackers

Lyrics © 1983, 1984 Stephen Savitzky. CC-by-nc-sa. To the tune of ``Three Whores of Winnipeg'' (traditional).

Lyrics [pdf]

C
  Three COBOL programmers quarrelled
F C
One  night in the local  bar
C
  Each one claimed that his payroll job
G7 C
Was  fastest of all by  far.
C
So  number your decks, you hackers
F C
The  keypunch is down the  hall
C
  Bring on the bugs, you lazy slugs,
G7 C
  Mine's the quickest of  all.
The first said ``Mine is the quickest
It's obvious at first sight
We load up the tapes on Wednesday noon
And finish by Thursday night.''

The second said ``Mine is faster
The database stays on line
We fire it up at eight am
And finish by half-past nine.''

The third one said ``You pikers,
You're starting your runs too soon--
The job that we run in the morning's done
By the previous afternoon.''