When I was a Lad

Stone knives and bearskins: the real story

Lyrics © 2001 Stephen Savitzky. CC-by-nc-sa. To the tune of When I was a Boy by Frank Hayes

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When	I was a lad our computer

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Had v	acuum tubes and a dr	um

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And we w	ound paper tape for our inp	ut

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Betw	een our forefinger and th	umb.

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Back when sm	alltalk was sports and the w	eather

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And an	object was what you could s	ee

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And we watched Captain Video	in black and white

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Bef	ore there was color T	V.

And we walked seven miles to the schoolhouse --

It really was uphill both ways --

Through weather in summer and winter,

Back in the good old days.

Back before fortran 77

Nobody'll ever need more than 640K

And we entered our programs on punched cards

When I was a lad.

When I was a lad all our networks

Ran on modems and UUCP

When the ARPANET had only sixteen nodes

And it didn't support FTP.

Now you kids who think your T1 line

Is fast, better watch what you say

And consider the speed of a truck full of tapes

As it barrels along the highway.

And we walked seven miles to the schoolhouse --

It really was uphill both ways --

Through weather in summer and winter,

Back in the good old days.

Back when fortran was not even fortran IV

For serious computing you need VMS

And we entered our programs on paper tape

When I was a lad.

When I was a lad our IS shop

Used mechanical sorters and such

And we numbered our decks with a drum-card

To protect them, though not very much

Back when space travel was science fiction

And a mainframe weighed fifty-five tons

And we programmed in ones and in zeros *with a hand-punch!*

And filled up the chad-box with ones.

And we walked seven miles to the schoolhouse --

It really was uphill both ways --

Through weather in summer and winter,

Back in the good old days.

Back when fortran was not even fortran II

we'll only ever sell six of 'em

And we entered our programs on plugboards

When I was a lad.

OK, the chronology is screwed up, it was only three miles, and I never actually programmed a plugboard (but our IS shop did). Everything else is true. Note that ``vacuum'' in the second line has three syllables.

``Only six computers will ever be sold in the commercial market'' has been attributed to Howard Aiken of IBM. (reference)

Also note that I'm about 10 years older than Frank Hayes, so I don't have to exaggerate.